Ever watched your husband sit on the couch, scrolling through his phone, while you’re simultaneously folding laundry, mentally checking the school calendars, and wondering if the toddler’s cough sounds “croupy”? You feel that heat rising in your chest—not quite mom rage yet, but the slow-cooker version of it.
You aren’t mad that he’s resting. You’re mad that he can.
Let’s pull back the curtain on the “Pinterest-perfect” domestic bliss and talk about the stuff our husbands—bless their hearts—just don’t get. It’s not that they’re “bad guys”; it’s that they’re playing a different game entirely.
5 Things Husbands Don’t “Get” About Motherhood
1. The “Default Parent” Mental Browser
Most husbands think parenting is a series of tasks. You do the dishes, you’re done. You change the diaper, you’re done.
For moms, our brains are like a laptop with 47 tabs open, three of them are frozen, and there’s music playing somewhere but we don’t know where it’s coming from. This is the “mental load.” He sees a kid who needs a snack; we see a kid who needs a snack, who also needs their 2-year-old checkup scheduled, who is out of clean socks, and who we suspect is entering the hardest stage of parenting (which, let’s be real, is always whichever stage you’re currently in—though toddlerhood and the teen years are a tie for the “most insane” award).
2. “Helping” is a Four-Letter Word
When a husband asks, “How can I help?” it’s well-intentioned. But to a mom, it feels like an extra assignment. It implies that the management of the home is our job, and he’s just a volunteer.
If we have to delegate the task, explain where the soap is, and follow up to see if it was done, we haven’t saved any energy. We’ve just become a middle manager. This constant management leads directly to Depleted Mother Syndrome. It’s that state of being “touched out,” rung out, and emotionally bankrupt because you’ve been the “CEO of Everything” for too long without a board of directors to back you up.
3. The 70/30 Reality vs. The 50/50 Myth
We hear about the 70/30 rule in parenting, which often suggests that in many “equal” households, one parent still carries 70% of the emotional and logistical weight. Husbands often feel like they’re hitting 50/50 because they are doing 50% of the physical work. What they don’t understand is that the 20% gap is actually 100% of the “worry.”
4. The Ghost of “Mommy Issues”
Sometimes, the way a man parents (or fails to) is tied to his own upbringing. Mommy issues in a man don’t always look like “hating” his mother; often, they look like a man who expects his wife to be the emotional shock absorber for the entire family because that’s what his mother did. He isn’t trying to be unfair; he’s just following an old, outdated script.
5. We Can’t “Just Turn It Off”
A husband can often walk through the door and leave “Work Mode” at the porch. Moms don’t have a porch. Even when we are at work, we are moms. Even when we are at the gym, we are moms.
This is why the 7-7-7 rule (7 days a year away, 7 hours a week of “me time,” and 7 minutes a day of connection) is so hard for us to implement. We feel the “mom guilt” the second we try to step out of the “Default” role.
How to Bridge the Gap (Without the Rage)
We don’t want a “helper”; we want a partner. Here is how to start the conversation:
- Ditch the “Helping” Language: Start using “our” instead of “my.” It’s “our” son’s dentist appointment, not “mine.”
- The Fair Play Method: Sit down and list the invisible tasks. Let him see the 47 tabs you have open.
- Aim for Authoritative Parenting: Research shows the authoritative parenting style (high warmth, high expectations) is the most successful. But for it to work, both parents have to be on the same page. If Mom is the only one enforcing the “high expectations,” she becomes the “Mean Mom” while Dad stays the “Fun Volunteer.”
- Claim Your 7-7-7: Don’t ask for permission to have “me time.” Schedule it. If you wait for it to be offered, you’ll be waiting until the kids are in college.
The Bottom Line: Your husband doesn’t need to be a mind reader; he needs a map. And you, mama, need to realize that being “Depleted” isn’t a badge of honor—it’s a sign that the “Default Parent” needs to go on strike for a few hours.
